We Need to Talk!

Dear Darling Bed,

So, I know how much you do not like confrontation, but I think in order for us to continue this relationship in a healthy manner, we need to get some things off of our chest. By "our", I mean "me".

First, I want to start off by saying that I am not comfortable anymore when I sleep. You tend to cause me constant pain in my neck and back in the middle of the night and I do not appreciate it anymore.

Second, I don't like that your head board seems to make you look shorter. I am not used to having one in previous relationships with other beds. I prefer a box spring and a mattress on the floor. Please do not assume that I am trying to change your looks or anything, I am just not used to some physical features you have about yourself.

You cause my arms to fall asleep every night. I know that during the day you are always so tough and hard, but I think that it is unfair when you tell me to relax at night and you do not follow your own advice. I just wish you would soften up a little when we are together.

I have constantly stumped my feet on you because of your big frame and how it sticks out all the time. Normally I would not complain about your frame, but things are starting to become physical and I want you to know that I am not going to put up with it. You will find yourself floating in a river somewhere if it happens again. I am just saying. I know people!

I was also thinking about your attire. None of the sheets I own fit you anymore and I am concerned. I refuse to go buy more when you act the way you do and I've considered getting rid of you. At the same time, I love you, but I am long past enjoying the neon green sheets you are wearing now. It bothers me and you wear them all the time. It is time you tried to fit into something else or at the very least try and be a little nicer so I can reward you with better fitting.

With all of that said...

I want to thank you for listening to my somewhat harsh criticism and allowing me to sleep on you every night without falling apart, even though it is uncomfortable at times. I know it has not been easy and I appreciate it.

P.S. I hope this letter does not make things weird between us.

Your friend,
Ashley